Into the Fire
by TriDom
Summary: Castiel and Dean were childhood best friends. After college, that friendship deepened into something more, but in their small hometown, it was crushed when Dean refused to come out and make their relationship public. So Castiel left, and stayed away, from their hometown and Dean. Now, four years later, Dean calls and asks Cas the unthinkable, to be his best man.
1. Chapter 1

Cas walked into the hotel lobby with his computer bag over his shoulder and a suitcase in his hand. It was a nice place, nicer than he expected in Tulsa. He went to the front desk and a young blond looked up from her computer with a smile.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Yeah. I'm check in. Cas Novak," he said.

Her eyes went wide for a second before her smile became firm again. "Cas Novak?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I just read _Stalemate_," she said. "I loved it so much."

He smiled and despite the pain in his chest, it was genuine.

"Thank you. I really appreciate it."

She turned back to her computer and in a few moments he had his key. "Enjoy your stay, Mr. Novak. Let us know if you need anything."

"Hold on, could you tell me if Dean Winchester has checked in yet?"

She clicked a few more keys before nodding. "Yes, sir. He's in room 514."

"Thanks."

He turned from the desk and went to the elevator. The lights above the door lit in turn as he watched. When it reached seven it halted and he stepped out and went down the hall, over thin ornate patterned carpet. When he reached his door, the plastic card slid in smoothly and he turned the handle.

The room was clean and simple, blue carpet, white walls. A small balcony faced the interstate. He stepped in and closed the door. There were two double beds made in white. He went to the first and sat, looking out the sliding glass door. Gray clouds obscured the flat horizon. He needed to text Dean and let him know he was there. He already had five texts from him asking if he'd made it yet.

He didn't want to. He wanted to go back down the elevator and leave. His phone vibrated in his hand as anxiety tightened in his throat. Dean's name flashed on the screen.

"Hello," he answered.

"Don't you hello me, _Mr. Novak_," Dean's warm voice came over the phone. "Are you almost here?"

"Is that Cas?" someone yelled in the background, Steve.

"Tell him to get his ass here!" Another called, Ashton.

"Yeah, I'm almost there," he said, laughing slightly at hearing their voices. Hearing Dean's made his throat pound.

"You're already here, aren't you?" Dean asked.

"Yeah."

"What room?"

"712."

He could hear the excitement in Dean's voice as he answered. "I'll be there in a second."

When the line went dead, he tossed the phone on the bed. He watched as lightening flashed in the gray thunderheads coming toward the city. In less than five minutes, a knock came on his door. He sighed before standing and going toward it. He touched the door handle, pulling in a deep breath before opening it.

Dean stood there in a deep red t-shirt, Levis and a camouflage hat.

"Hey, Dee," he said.

Dean was looking him over like he had just done. The normal smile was gone from his face and when he finally met Cas's eyes, he forced it back into place.

"What the fuck am I doing? Come here," Dean said, hugging him.

Cas tried to just pat his back, but Dean pulled him in more firmly with a hand pressed on his shoulders and another on his lower back. After a moment, Cas exhaled and pulled him in just as close, tucking his face against Dean's neck. He felt his throat constricting and his eyes burning. When Dean's hand tracked its familiar path up his neck and into his hair at the base of his skull he wound his fingers into Dean's shirt.

"Bud," Dean said softly in his rough accent. It sounded no more a term to a friend than the tenderest endearment.

Cas pulled back and took off his glasses to rub his eyes. "Come in. I have to find my room key and go to the bathroom."

He didn't look at Dean again as he stepped back inside and went to the bathroom. He shut the door and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were wet and bloodshot. After a few moments and a quick piss, he went back out.

Dean was sitting on one of the beds with his hat in his hands. His hair was messed up from running his hands through it. Cas grabbed his room key off the bedside table and slipped it into his wallet then grabbed his phone.

"Ready?" he asked.

Dean looked up at him from the bed. Cas's chest throbbed when he saw how red his eyes were.

"You didn't have to say okay. It was mean of me to ask," Dean said.

"Was it meant to be mean?"

"God no," Dean said. He sniffed and wiped his nose. "You're my best friend. It's your spot."

"I'm not your best friend anymore. It's been five years, Dean."

"It doesn't matter."

Cas shook his head. "Whatever. It's fine. I'm your best man. I'm happy to do it."

"She's a good woman. She's an English teacher. She loves what you write."

Cas looked at him and shook his head. "Don't do that to me."

"You'll like her," Dean said weakly and dropped his eyes.

"If I do it'll only make me hate her more."

Dean messed with his hat some more. "I like Ethan."

"Bullshit."

Dean nodded, sniffing again. "You're right. I'd put a fucking bullet between his eyes if I ever got the chance."

"Yeah well, he doesn't like you either."

"I don't blame him."

Cas sighed and squeezed his nose between his fingers. "Who's all here?"

"Steve and Ashton right now. Sam'll be here in a few hours."

"Can we just go? I don't want to talk anymore," he said.

Dean looked at the floor. "Don't want to talk to me?"

"Everything's already been said, Dee. Let's just go down and see the boys."

Dean nodded and Cas heard the first boom of thunder. The sky outside was turning the air yellow.

Cas stood with Dean just outside Dean's hotel room. Dean slid his key in and turned the knob. The voices of his friends echoed down the hall before Dean pulled the door shut. Cas smiled and it didn't feel completely false.

"What's up? It's been forever," Ashton said, taking his hand and pulling him into a half-hug.

"Yeah it has," Cas said. When he pulled away he greeted Steve the same.

"You would wait until a fucking bachelor party to come back. You know we aren't going to a gay bar, right?" Steve grinned.

"He could probably talk Dean into it," Ashton said.

"He can't talk me into it," Steve said.

"Come on, Steve. Some big bear in a tight pink speedo. We wouldn't be able to get you off him," Cas said. He laughed when Steve grimaced.

"Dean said you might bring your guy," Ashton said.

"Nah, he had to work," Cas said. "With the whole bachelor's party thing, I thought it'd be best to leave him at home."

"Good plan," Dean said, slamming down a glass on the mini bar too hard as he poured a shot of whiskey from a large bottle by the ice bucket.

"When is Sam going to get here?" Ashton asked Dean.

"Should be anytime. He's going to meet us down at the bar," Dean said.

"Let's go then. I want a drink and that shit's disgusting," Steve said, looking at the bottle of Evan Williams. Then grabbing a hoodie off the back of a chair.

Cas smiled when he saw the logo, "Can I see that?"

"Yeah," Steve said, handing over the hoodie.

Cas took it and held it in front of him. It was from their high school. A large eagle was printed on the front with Redland Eagles lettered across the bottom. Their high school was small and the quality of the fabric and screening showed it.

"That's bad ass," he said, handing it back.

"Yeah my niece was selling them for some fundraiser," Steve said. "Speaking of, are you coming to the reunion in June?"

"Maybe." He wouldn't. "Let's go get something to drink."

He walked with Ashton when they left the room, avoiding Dean's gaze and his touch.

Cas sat in a booth in the hotel bar with his friends. The booth was circular and he sat on the far side from Dean. As they talked, catching up on everyone's lives that Cas had only known about through Facebook updates, Dean kept trying to talk to him. He hadn't talked to Dean in over a year until he called him a month ago. Hearing his voice so often now hurt, so he drank. By the third shot and first beer, he wasn't caring as much.

They were only in the bar for half an hour before a man a few years older than him came to the table. He squeezed Dean's shoulder roughly before smiling at Cas.

"I didn't think you'd actually show," Sam said, "Get up here."

Cas stood and hugged Dean's older brother. Sam clapped him on his back and he smelled that scent of machine oil from the place that Sam and Dean worked. Sam almost smelled like Dean, almost.

"I couldn't leave him hanging on a best man," Cas said, when he stepped back and sat down.

"Scoot," Sam said, and sat beside him. "And hey," Sam said to the rest of the guys. They said it back.

Cas saw Dean frown. His expressive eyes and heart on his sleeve, pumping out jealously, so thick Cas could taste it. Sam saw it too, because when Cas looked at him again, he was just turning from Dean with a small smile.

"Aw, did I take your place?" Sam asked Dean.

"Nah, Cas doesn't like me anymore," Dean said.

"Who could blame him?" Sam asked. His tone was joking, but Dean dropped his eyes. No one else seemed to notice. Then Sam turned back to Cas. "How've you been?"

Cas told him. He said more to Sam than he had to Dean in two hours. Sam was like his big brother and he was the only one who knew about him and Dean. After he left Redland five years ago, Cas would stay in contact with Sam when he couldn't stand to speak to Dean. He knew that Sam passed along the information, but that was fine. Sam kept him up to date on Dean too. It was Sam who told him Dean was engaged. It kept him from breaking down when Dean changed his relationship status.

He still remember it, though. Even though he'd known it was coming, when he saw the update on Dean's profile, he cried. There hadn't been any engagement pictures. Not linked on Dean's account. No save the dates. There weren't even pictures of her on his profile. Just the same profile picture Dean had had for years. Everything was the same, but that relationship said engaged. He'd looked at his computer screen in his office in New York, and he had sat in the silence and let the water work down his face without brushing it away.

Thinking of it now, he finished his beer and ordered another.

"You guys ready to go somewhere else?" Dean asked, while Sam talked to Cas and Cas finished his second beer. He was getting more and more pissed off and the more pissed off he got the more he drank.

Sam looked away from Cas to look across the table at him. "Your party. Just tell us when."

"Then let's go," he said, standing.

He walked toward the hotel lobby, his gate was stiff and his jaw clenched. When he reached the sidewalk, he looked up at the sky. The wind was blowing, but it was blocked by the buildings. In Redland, about forty-five minutes south, the wind would come across the flat expanse of the fields surround his house. The dried corn stalks would sway with the coming storm and he would sit out on the back porch with a beer. Now the scent of car exhaust filtered into his nose.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Ashton asked, coming out of the building behind him.

"It was hot in there," Dean said.

"Not really, pussy," Steve said, coming out to stand beside him. "Whose car are we taking?"

"I think my Excursion is the only thing that will hold us all," Sam said. "Cas, you can ride shotgun."

"Sounds good," Cas said, walking beside Sam toward the parking lot.

Dean thought about tackling Sam on the sidewalk. The urge was so strong, he almost did. He clenched his hands in his pockets as he walked with Ashton and Steve behind Sam and Cas. He tried not to look down Cas's body to his ass and failed. Those jeans fit him so well. He had nice long legs and arms.

Remembering his bed and Cas under him, his long limbs wrapped around him, Dean bit the inside of his cheek.

Dean rode in the SUV, looking out the windows at the freeway passing. The cars' headlights that were being turned on, the wet streets as the first of the rain started falling. His friends and brother talked around him. Steve laughed so goddamn loud and Ashton too. By the time Sam pulled into the bar downtown, Dean's head was starting to pound.

"You guys go on in, I've got something to give Sam," Dean said as he got out.

His friends went in and Sam climbed out of the driver's seat on the same side as Dean. They looked at each other in the blue green of the security lights while a few people straggled here and there in the small parking lot, hearing the music already coming from the small building.

"What's up?" Sam asked.

"You know what's up," Dean said.

Sam put his hands in his coat pockets before rocking back slightly to be on the balls of his feet. "What me talking to Cas?"

"Yeah you fucking talking to Cas."

"Is it pissing you off?"

"You know it is," Dean said through his teeth.

Sam clenched his jaw and Dean recognized the expression as the one he wore so often. "Yeah and how do you think he feels being here, Dean? It was a dick move of you to invite him."

"It would've been worse not to," he said. He had the same argument with himself so many times, he almost believed it.

"You aren't stupid, don't act like it."

He clenched his jaw harder. It made his head pound.

"You think he would've showed up if he didn't still love you?" Sam asked. "He should've wrote you off as soon as you wouldn't do what you needed to. All this, it's your fucking fault and I hope you know that. Every time you laugh, he looks like he's about to come apart. You're a selfish prick."

Dean bit the inside of his cheek. "That's what you think?"

"I haven't made it a secret. You were the one that wanted to fuck around with him, Dean. You were the one who convinced him to move back to Redland. He was gone, he was fucking safe, away from you. You told him it was okay to do what you two were doing. He knew it could end badly. _You _told him it wouldn't. And he fucking believed you. He believed you because he loves you that fucking much. Do you understand that?"

Dean was biting his cheek hard enough to bring blood and sting his eyes. "Yeah I'm a real shit person."

Sam's eyes softened slightly, but his mouth stayed firm. "You're the best little brother in the world, but you're the shittiest friend I've ever seen."

Cas leaned against the bar, watching Dean laughing with Steve and Sam. His chest ached dully. The alcohol wasn't helping. It was on the edge of making things worse instead of better. It made things easier to remember and harder to suppress. Like the small bar in Redland. The rough press of Dean's lips against his in the nasty bathroom. Seeing himself in the cracked, soap scum mirror above the sink as Dean went to his knees on the dirty linoleum floor and blew him.

The last time he'd been there, not with Dean, and everything falling to pieces around them.

"I really didn't expect you to come," Ashton said beside him.

Cas looked over and smiled slightly. Ashton was short, only coming to his brow. He was cute, though. He'd always been really cute and always looked a lot younger than he was.

"Sure I came. Why wouldn't I have?"

Ashton shifted on his feet then looked back. "Because, well, just the stuff that happened, with Dean. He was really glad you came though. He wouldn't stop talking about it."

"What'd you mean?" Cas asked, watching Dean and taking another drink of his beer. The cool tinges of anxiety stirred in his chest. He fought to keep his color under control.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" Ashton asked.

"The stuff with Dean? What stuff with Dean?" Cas asked, making himself look at Ashton without showing anything. Hoping he wasn't showing anything.

Ashton shrugged, looking down at here he fidgeted with the edge of his flannel. "Everyone knew. I mean, not everyone, but a lot of us did. The people that hung out with you guys."

Cas looked at him for a moment. "Nothing happened between me and him."

Ashton frowned toward the pool tables. The crack of the pool balls came back from the dim walls. "So you just left for no reason?"

"It didn't have anything to do with him."

"You don't have to lie, that's what I'm trying to say. You guys weren't subtle, at all, especially not him. There was that time we were out night fishing and he walked up and grabbed you from behind. He, uh, he kissed your neck."

"He was drunk. It didn't mean anything."

"But you two were together."

His eyes suddenly burned and he hated Ashton for them, but he hated Dean more. "We weren't."

And they weren't then. That was after Dean had broken it off with him after seven months. It was when Dean couldn't decided what he wanted, but before Cas made the decision for them. The hallow ache in his chest intensified.

"I need to go to the bathroom," he said, and walked away.

Cas looked at himself in the mirror. The well-lit tiles, the clean sink, the smell of cleaner coming up around him. It made it easier to breath. He could almost fool himself into believing that Dean wasn't outside and he wasn't here for the reason he'd been asked to. He could almost convince himself the redness of his eyes was completely due to the beer.

Then there was a soft knock on the door.

"Give me a minute," he said.

"Cas."

He closed his eyes and braced himself over the sink. He breathing wasn't even, but he wasn't crying. Rubbing his eyes again, he went to the door and unlocked it. Dean stood in the dark short hallway.

"You okay?" Dean asked.

His voice was too quiet. It hit Cas in the chest so hard, in his tear ducts, in his stomach. Cas brushed passed him.

"It's all yours."

Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Cas pulled away, but stayed turned back to him.

"What, Cas? What did I do to you to make you so pissed off right now?"

Cas laughed, "Are you kidding?"

"I don't know why you said you'd come if this is how it was going to be," Dean said with his eyes and jaw hard. "You won't fucking talk to me, you look at me like I fucking beat you. Did you just come here to make me feel like shit?"

"Can you feel like shit?"

Dean frowned, the knot at the back of his jaw still there. "You know I feel like Hell about it. Don't you act like that. I thought we could get passed it. We have a lot of history, so much more than just that."

"I thought we could get passed it too," Cas said.

"Then let's just try, Cas. Come on."

"I thought we could until seeing you was like drowning in cement," Cas said. He meant it to come out bitter, but his throat betrayed him and his voice broke. All the beer was such a bad idea.

A guy stepped into the hallway and Cas turned away from Dean.

"Cas," Dean said.

Cas ignored him and went back toward the bar, leaving Dean in the dark as he wiped the burning out of his eyes and put on a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean pushed passed the guy in the hallway. He half hoped the guy would get pissed, hit him. That he could hit him back until his knuckles bled, but the guy just backed away and kept his eyes down as he went around Dean and into the bathroom.

Dean went out of the hallway and saw Sam standing close to Cas at the bar. He walked to them and patted the bar to the bartender's attention.

"Three shots of Jack," Dean said.

"I'm not doing anymore. I still have to drive," Sam said.

"Then make it four," Dean said to the bartender without looking at his brother.

"I'm going to find Steve and Ash," Cas said, starting to stand.

Dean caught his shirt sleeve and pulled him back down. "Just stay there for a goddamn minute."

Cas sat back down and Sam caught Dean's eyes over his head. He shook his head and frowned as he picked up his bottle of water and went toward Steve and Ashton at the pool table.

Cas turned on the stool back to the bar and leaned his head into his hand. His dark hair sticking up around his fingers as he stared at the countertop. He closed his eyes and swallowed and Dean watched his thin throat move.

"Jesus, it isn't that hard to hang out with me," Dean said. Then the bartender set the shots in front of him. "Thanks," he said. He put two of them in front of Cas. "Can I get a Coke too?"

The bartender moved around to get it and set the glass in front of him. Dean sat down next to Cas and turned toward him.

"Get one of them," Dean said.

"I don't want to drink anymore, Dean."

"If you don't, I'll drink them all and puke my guts up."

"Knock yourself out."

"You know I'll do it, Cas."

Cas drug his hand down his face then picked up one of the three left. Dean held out his toward him.

"Me and you, all of the stuff that got us here. Made us who we are," Dean said.

Cas clicked the shot glass against his and they both knocked them back. Dean scooted the Coke to Cas while he winced around the burn. Cas coughed slightly and drank deeply, then handed it to Dean. Dean laughed a little bit.

"Such a puss."

"I fucking hate shooting whiskey," Cas said.

"Well we've gone one more to go," Dean said then took a drink of the cold pop to take the edge of the burn from his mouth.

Cas grunted and ran his fingers back through his hair making it stand up. Then he looked up at Dean and Dean's heart twisted so hard. His eyes were so pretty. They always had been. They'd managed to be prettier when he was laying in Dean's bed in the early mornings. The mornings that Cas hadn't gone to sleep yet, writing all night, and when Dean woke up to go to work. That overlap in their schedules had made Dean late clocking in so many times. So many.

"Next," Dean said, picking up one of the last shots.

"I don't want another one."

"I don't care. We're drinking until you can be nice to me."

"I could be so nice to you it'd make your fucking head spin," Cas said, picking up the last shot then he held it up. "How about to you breaking my fucking heart? Want to drink to that one?"

Dean put the drink down, but left his fingers on it. Cas was looking at him with so much anger.

_God I fucking hate you, Dean. _

He could live forever and never forget what that felt like. Never forget the numb quietness of Cas's voice when he said it when everything crumbled around them in the living room of Cas's rent house.

"I can't do this," Dean said, his nose tickling as his eyes stung. "I can't deal with how angry you still are."

He stood up and drank his shot. Then he went to find Sam, feeling everything rush to his head. Sam was chalking a pool stick when Dean squeezed his shoulder, some to get his attention and some not to fall down.

"Let's go. Back to the hotel."

"Are you okay?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, just drank too much," Dean said.

"Alright, sure, buddy," Sam said, patting him between the shoulders. "Come on, Steve, Ash. We'll drink some more at the hotel. Dean, go get Cas."

Dean turned to get him, but the bar was empty. Cash laid on the bar where Cas had been. He tasted panic before he could rationalize anything to himself. Cas didn't have a car here. He couldn't have just left. He probably just went outside.

Still, when he walked outside and saw Cas leaning against Sam's SUV, part of him sank deep inside of himself as the panic faded and another part stayed so strong.

One day Cas wasn't going to be there. He was never going to see him again and his eyes burned like acid was poured into them as he went to the passenger rear door beside Cas. He didn't look at him, keeping his eyes on the door handle, then pulling it open as Sam unlocked it with the key fob.

He sat against the far side with his forehead against the glass, soaking up as much as the coldness as he could. Then the bench seat moved. He closed his eyes. He jerked when he felt the arm slide around his stomach and the warm breath against his ear. But his body was ahead of his mind. He melted into Cas.

"I'm sorry," Cas whispered in his ear.

Dean looked over at him in the darkness of the cab. They were alone with the others probably still settling tabs. It didn't matter where they were, they weren't there and that's all he cared about.

"I'm sorry for hurting you," Dean said.

Cas shook his head, but Dean couldn't see his face in the dark. "I don't want to think about it. I just want to have a good night."

"I can do that."

"I'll try."

Dean nodded. Cas's arm was still over his stomach. It didn't feel very good with the compounding alcohol siting uneasily, but he wouldn't have him move it. He'd puke before he did that.

"I've missed you so bad it hurts," Dean said quietly.

Then the dome light came on and Cas jerked away, pushing his fingers into his closed eyes at the flood of brightness in the dark.

"Jesus Christ," Cas said.

"Sorry," Ashton said, sitting by the other door.

"Feeling alright, Dan?" Sam asked when he opened the driver's side door.

"Yeah," he said.

"Good," Sam said, getting in.

Steve sat in the passenger seat and messed with the radio as Sam pulled onto the street. It was still wet. Sam and Steve's windows were down letting in the moist air, heavy with the city. He was still sitting closely enough to Cas to smell him over it. The so faint smell of his cologne, heated by his skin. It wasn't much at all, but he would smell it with the natural smell of him, grass and the bar soap he used at the curve of his neck.

Ashton talked to Steve over the back of the passenger seat, leaning up. Sam talked to both of them as the radio played. Cas's leg was warm radiating against him, not quite touching. Dean looked over at him, Cas's face flashing in the street lights as the SUV rolled down the freeway.

With the heat of the whiskey in his throat, he reached out, creeping his fingers slowly over Cas's leg until he found his warm fingers. Cas looked down at their hands without moving his head. Dean's heart stuttered when he didn't move. Then he took Dean's hand hard, rubbing his thumb over the back and moving it to the seat between them. The old fake leather against one side and Cas's thumb rubbed almost painfully on the other.

Cas leaned his head back against the bench seat, tilted toward him. Dean gave it a second. He let the natural sway of the truck move Cas closer to him. He waited until they were on a dark street. Then he leaned over and pressed his lips to Cas's hair, breathing. He squeezed Cas's hand so hard it had to be painful as he filled his lungs.

He pulled away when Sam pulled into the brightly lit hotel parking lot. Cas looked up at him without lifting his head from the seat. He hoped Cas could read everything murdering his chest. He'd thought he was somewhat passed this, this swelling, just fucking sinking feeling, and like Cas was the only life-raft left in the world.

The world began to swim and he couldn't remember why he hadn't just taken Cas into the Brown Heel in Redland, their bar, and kissed him in front everyone. Why he hadn't said yes when Cas all but proposed with his dad's simple gold wedding ring.

"Dean, I think your woman's here," Steve said, getting out of the passenger side as Sam pulled to a stop.

He watched Cas's eyes fracture, panic, then nothing. Cas could slam a door like no other and it fucking killed him every time he'd ever done it.

"Cas," he said quietly as Ashton got out.

Cas pulled his hand away and climbed out of Ashton's side. Dean got out. He ignored Sam's look of concern. The limo Sarah's maid of honor had rented for the night was parked by the doors. The windows were rolled down and when one of the girls saw Dean they cheered.

Dean put his hands in his pockets and forced a smile as he went toward it. Steve and Ashton had already beat him over, talking to the girls. Sarah leaned out of the back driver's side window. She was wearing a plastic tiara and a bachelorette sash. She smiled her beautiful smile at him, straight white teeth, pale smooth skin, and dark brown eyes.

"Hey," she said.

"What's up?" he asked.

"We were just nearby. I thought we'd come say hi before we went back to our hotel," she said.

"She missed you," one of her friends cat called from inside the limo.

"Who can blame her?" her maid of honor asked. "Rawr." Then she busted up giggling and Sarah slapped her shoulder.

Dean made himself laugh. "You guys already drunk?"

"You are too," Sarah said, reaching out for him, then she stopped and looked passed him. "Is that Cas? Get him before he goes in. I want to meet him."

Cas walked straight passed the rear of the limo and toward the hotel doors. Dean wouldn't have called for him if a gun had been to his head. He pulled his hand away from Sarah.

"I'll talk to you later," he said, going to follow.

"Come give me a kiss first," she said.

The whiskey bumped against the base of his throat. He looked at the front of the hotel again. He looked and made sure Cas wasn't there. Then he leaned down and kissed Sarah. She tasted like wine and gum. Her friends hooted and Dean thought he might vomit.

Cas thought about going to his room, but after that, he needed another drink. He needed to drink until he couldn't think, until the only thing he could think about was not vomiting. He went to the hotel bar that was mostly empty.

"Rum and Coke. Just enough to give it color," Cas said.

"Yes, sir," the bartender said after Cas showed his ID and opened his tab.

Cas sat down at the bar, far from the only two others there. He drank deeply from his glass, trying not to watch the door. If Dean's fiancée came in, he didn't know what he'd do. There was really only one thing he could do, shake her hand, and congratulate her.

Or tell her he'd made Dean scream his name more than once with his knees against his shoulders.

Cas drank again. He would never do that, but God the thought sounded good. Watching Dean's face fall. Hurting him even a fraction of how he'd been hurt. Hurting himself more that Dean was so ashamed of what they'd done that he wouldn't even tell anyone, and was sickened at the thought of anyone knowing.

He remembered looking up at Dean and saying he loved him while Dean moved inside of him. He remembered Dean's loose mouth against his as he said it back, then kissed him so deeply he couldn't breathe and he hadn't even cared.

He remembered Dean leaving him alone, standing in his living room two weeks later. And the way his own broken voice had begged.

And Dean had left him there.

Cas looked up to the archway again and saw Dean walk in with Steve, Ashton, and Sam. Only them. He finished the rest of his drink.

"Can I get another one?" he asked, the bartender.

"Sure thing," the guy said.

There was a hand on his shoulder then Dean sat beside him.

"I'll take one of whatever he's drinking," Dean said.

The bartender made two and set them in front of them. Dean took a drink and winced.

"Boy, you're not fucking around."

Cas drank until ice touched his lips. He was going to puke. If he kept this up, it wouldn't be an if. He'd be puking everywhere. That sounded so nice, just worrying out his puke splattering the toilet. The cold tiles digging into his knees.

"Go see your fucking fiancée," Cas said, going to stand.

Dean grabbed his wrist and Cas all but fell back on the stool. "You said you'd be nice."

"You said you loved me," Cas said, with the weight of the liquor making his tongue lazy and stupid.

He went to stand again, but Dean was squeezing his wrist. It hurt. His fingers pushed into the notch of tendon and bone. Dean's eyes were wet.

"I am fucking begging you, Cas. I don't deserve it, but I just need you to be with me tonight. Be my best friend, just for a while. Please, then I'll stop. I'll stop talking to you. I'll never talk to you again if that's what you want."

Cas sat where he was and clenched his teeth so hard it hurt. "You didn't care when I begged you."

"But you're so much better than me," Dean said quietly. "I never deserved you."

Cas pulled his wrist away, but he didn't move. He didn't think it was possible for his heart to hurt this much anymore. He had been sure that Dean had killed half of it, because no fight with Ethan, even the ones that they separated over a couple of times, ever hurt like this. It was just Dean's blackened areas, like sun spots, radiation, inked into the sore muscle. He hated that he wanted to go to his room and hurt Dean by doing it. And he fucking hated that if he did that, he would hurt himself far more than Dean.

"Well you've fucking got me, Dean. Congratulations," Cas said, staring at the bottles behind the bar and took another long drink of his Coke.

It spiraled after another drink on both their parts. Things began to lose consistency, but all Cas was certain of was that Dean still touched a lot when he was drunk. He talked about Redland, about his job, about his dogs. One that had been Cas's that he left when he moved out of Redland so quickly. One that Cas went to the breeder with him to pick out before he ever thought of how Dean's lips might feel against his. The more he drank, the more he leaned into those touches and the more Dean let his hand linger, on his shoulder, on his back, the back of his neck, his face, stroking his thumb over his cheek.

Once, Cas would've tried to stop him. He did stop him when Dean's drunk hands wondered, now he wanted to see Dean wreck. He wanted to watch this shit unravel for him. The only problem was, Cas's heart was secured to his ankle and when he went off the edge, his loosely bound, bleeding heart was going to rip apart.

"I don't want to get married," Dean said, standing in front of Cas, where he sat on the stool with his back to the bar. His forehead was against Cas's. "I just want you, Cas," Dean said weakly, reaching up to touch his cheek.

"Then don't get married."

"You marry me."

"I can't give you a family like you want."

"I don't care. We can adopt Asian kids, I don't care," Dean said, touching his hair clumsily. "I don't care. I love you. I love you so much."

"You'll get sober and not tell anyone," Cas said and he felt the tears again. He was far too drunk to care how much of a fool he was making out of himself. He would never see these people again.

"I'll tell everyone. Cas, I'll tell everyone. I'll call Sarah right now."

"Don't say her name to me."

"I'm sorry, baby. Please, please, just God please," Dean was whispering by the end and Cas's heart was breaking.

Dean pressed his lips to Cas's. Dean's hand in his hair became hard and their lips more firm. When he felt Dean's tongue, his heart began to unravel. Dean was in his mouth and it felt like the world was coming apart. He opened his mouth wider and pulled Dean closer to him. He thought he'd forgotten what Dean tasted like, but he hadn't. He tasted like whiskey and beer. It was like that first night they ever slept together. That had been such a fuck up.

"Hey, cool it," Sam said, pulling them apart by their scuffs like two dogs.

"Bub, I love him," Dean said, touching Cas's cheek. "I love him so much."

"The whole bar doesn't need to know."

Sam pulled Cas up and reached into his back pocket. He took out Cas's room key and put it in Cas's hand before putting his wallet back into his pocket.

"You sober enough to make it to your room?" Sam asked Cas.

Cas nodded.

"Then go before you end up on the floor," Sam said, giving him a push. He grabbed Dean by the back of his shirt when he started to follow. "Cas, are you sure? This isn't, it isn't going to fix anything."

"Please, Cas," Dean said.

Cas took Dean's hand and pulled him. He didn't look at their friends when they left. They went straight to the elevators and Dean was back on him. His mouth was hot on his neck and down to his collar.

Dean leaned close and grazed his lips over Cas's. When they pressed together, the pain went down his back, pressed against his room door. He opened his mouth and Dean's tongue touched his. Dean gripped his shirt and pushed him more fully against the door.

"Can I come in?" Dean asked against his mouth.

"This hurts," he said.

"I know," Dean said, kissing him again. "Let me make it better."

Cas turned to slide his key into the slot. Dean's mouth was on his neck, sucking. He would leave a mark. The door closed behind them and Cas peeled off Dean's shirt. Dean pulled off his. Cas hit the bed first and Dean yanked off his jeans and underwear together. Cas pulled Dean's off and they ended up tangled on the bed. Their mouths were greedy on each other's skin and they groaned at touching again. The hotel comforter was soft against their bodies and Cas couldn't get enough of Dean's heat.

"Don't have lube or a condom," Cas said.

"Me either. Just do it."

Cas moved on top of him, pulling Dean's legs up so he could reach his ass. He cupped his palm beneath Dean's mouth and Dean spit in his hand. He messaged the spit onto Dean's ass. Then he spit again and lubed his dick. Dean gripped his shoulders and wrapped his legs tightly around his waist. He felt Dean pushing out against him and finally he gave and Cas sank deep. Dean grunted as his muscles seized, trying to push him out, even as he yanked him closer until he was buried.

"Quit, you're going to hurt yourself," Cas said, trying to hold still, but Dean pulled him until his hips were against the soft flesh of Dean's ass.

"I've missed you so much."

"Me too," Cas said, feeling the tears on his face.

Dean's body was so tight and familiar on his, but his body was softer. It had changed and Cas hadn't been the one there to study it, every curve. It wasn't his anymore and the tears came down harder. Dean ran his fingers through the back of his hair and their mouths came together. Cas felt the wetness on Dean's face and heard the sniffing. Dean kept a hand in the back of his hair after they stopped kissing.

"I love you, Cas. I love you so much."

Cas pressed his forehead to Dean's and let his tears fall as it began to feel better. "I love you so much more."

When they finished, they held each other, face to face and fell asleep.

Cas woke to soft touches on his face. Dean trailed fingers over his cheek.

"Morning," Dean said, but his eyes were bloodshot.

Cas took the hand touching his cheek and pressed the fingers to his lips. His eyes were already watering.

Someone knocked on the door. Cas looked at Dean and got out of bed. He pulled on his jeans from last night and opened the door. It was Sam.

"Do we need to come get dressed?" he asked.

"Yeah," Sam said.

"Thanks," he said, forcing back the tears that were already coming. "We'll be down in a minute."

Sam left and Cas turned back to the room with his head pounding and having nothing on the searing pain in his chest.

The ride down the elevator was as silent as was the walk to Dean's room with only their hands brushing occasionally. Dean knocked and Sam pulled open the door. The rest of the guys were inside. When Steve saw Cas he whistled low.

"How do you plan on covering that up?" he said, pointing to his own neck.

Cas rubbed his bruised neck. "It doesn't matter."

Dean's eyes went over the bruise. The brown of them was so broken. Cas wanted to pull him in and never let go.

"Go get dressed, Dee," he said.

"Are you still going to do this?"

"I'm your best friend."

Dean's eyes got red again as he went toward the bathroom. Sam looked after him helplessly before gesturing to Cas.

"Can you go help him get around?"

Cas could see why, Sam's eyes were already filled with tears. Two Winchesters crying in the bathroom would be too much. The world might just end. Cas went to the bathroom, ignoring the looks he and Dean had gotten from Steve and Ashton, mostly Steve. When he walked in, Dean was on the toilet with the lid closed.

"I don't want to do this," Dean said, looking up at him.

"Yes you do."

"No. I don't."

"But you're going to."

"Yeah," Dean nodded, while tears fell. "God I am so sorry."

Dean started pulling on his tux. Each piece made him more handsome. They kissed, brief to longer while he dressed. Finally, Cas fixed the dark gray tie around Dean's neck. The soft fabric yielded to his fingers as he knotted and straightened it. Then Dean did his, lingering on the skin of his throat and finally on the bruise his mouth had left.

"I can't do this, Dean," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."

Dean went to speak and Cas saw the plea in his eyes that he wouldn't voice. His throat bobbed as he swallowed. Cas leaned forward and kissed the lump then around the side savoring the taste and feel he would never have again. He pushed Dean back against the bathroom counter and kissed and licked his neck. Dean threaded his fingers through his hair and let him. In hours, Dean's wife would be doing this, but it wouldn't be the same. She wouldn't inspire the vibration that Cas now felt against his tongue. She wouldn't know what it was to hear Dean pant while he was being fucked. He was glad that Dean wouldn't be happy with her and he hated himself for it. They kissed again before leaving the bathroom. It was long and broken.

Dean touched his face again and left the bathroom. Cas followed him out and the feeling of the world crashing in around him fell over him again. The same feeling as when Dean walked out of his front door, the pulsing black throb of panic around his vision. This was it. He was leading Dean down to a life without him. He hadn't realized that he had really been nursing the hope of an eventual life with him until this moment. The anxiety attacks that Dean was once so skilled at soothing crept into his chest and wound into his brain.

When Dean reached the suite door he turned and hugged Cas. Cas tucked his face against Dean's neck and ran his fingers through his hair. He sucked in every ounce of Dean's scent that he could.

"It's okay," he whispered and thought it might kill him.

Dean shook his head like a child. "No. No it isn't."

He squeezed Dean tighter, until he could feel his fingers creasing the soft fabric of Dean's tux. She couldn't take this off him. This perfect solid body couldn't be above someone else. It was his and it should've been his for years by now. He swallowed and breathed around his own jagged emotion.

"No it isn't. You should be with me," he whispered in Dean's ear. "I should be your husband and I should be the one you're wearing this suit for and I should be the one you wake up to every morning. I should be the one your fight with and you cry with and you laugh with. I want to be your world. I want to be your best friend, Dean. Let me be those things, let me be everything."

Dean looked at him and Cas touched his face. His eyes were so open, so open and fucking terrified.

"Let me," Cas whispered. "Please, Dean."

Dean shook his head and tried to speak, but just kept shaking his head until he sank to the floor against the door. He put his head in his hand and pulled his phone from his pocket. He kept crying as he hit a speed-dial. Cas heard it ring then a woman's voice.

"Sarah?" Dean asked.

He heard her say Dean's name. She was trying to get off the phone with him. She sounded busy.

"I can't marry you. I'm sorry."

The line was quiet then she said something again.

"I'm sorry, but I love Cas."

Then Dean hung up. He tossed the phone onto the carpet and looked at Cas. Cas could feel his heart slowing. He knew he reached forward and touched Dean's cheek. Dean reached up and squeezed the back. The phone began to vibrate on the carpet until Sam picked it up and answered and went off talking to someone. By the shrillness of the tone, Cas thought it must be Sarah and summoned his first bit of sympathy.

"I love you," Dean said.

"I know," Cas said, tears were falling down again and he couldn't stop them. "I know, Dee."

_Three Weeks Later_

Dean woke up to the bird that lived outside of his bedroom window. Morning light made the background of the white floral white paper yellow. He still needed to paint it. He'd been saying that for seven years, since he bought this place.

He laid on his back and let himself wake up little by little, then he rolled over into the shape of Cas's back. He pressed his nose into his hair and slid his hand up his naked chest. Cas stretched like a cat and went to roll on his stomach. Dean pulled him back and slid his arm beneath his neck, and kissed the joining of his neck to his shoulder.

"Don't you roll away from me," he said.

Cas made a quiet noise and pushed his shoulders back into Dean's chest. "Morning."

"Mm," Dean said, then kissed Cas's neck more, working up to his ear. The spot just behind. Cas jerked when he hardly grazed it with his tongue.

"Fuck," Cas said. "Sneaky bastard."

Dean kissed that spot then sucked softly, then bit the edge of Cas's ear. Cas laughed and tried to pull away.

"Go the fuck away. I'm trying to sleep, pervert."

"You don't need to sleep," Dean said, exhaling through his nose against Cas ear. Softly, like he liked over the damp places left from his teeth.

Cas let out an exasperated noise, but took Dean's hand from his chest and pushed it down to his dick. Dean smiled and squeezed him before loosely stroking.

"And I'm the perv?"

"Yeah," Cas said, pushing back against Dean's hips, hitting his morning hard-on. Or his Cas hard-on, they'd be going hand in hand the last few weeks. He pushed forward. "Don't be a tease."

"Are you sore?"

Cas shook his head.

Dean leaned back and grabbed the bottle of lube he'd thrown on the ground last night. Cas pushed the blankets down to their thighs and Dean poured lube onto his fingers. After last night, it went easy with Cas relaxed and warm. He held him against his chest with his other arm.

When Cas started rubbing himself, Dean lined himself up and pushed in with his lips pressed to the hardness of Cas's shoulder. He squeezed his eyes shut and felt him giving so easy to him. He didn't know when he was going to stop feeling it in his chest as much as he felt it on his dick, such a hard clenching around his chest. Steel cables of gratitude for a God he had no choice but to believe in and for his angel that was saying quiet vulgarities in his sleep heavy voice, mixing with the wet movements of his fist over his own skin.

Cas reached back and slid his fingers into his hair. Dean pulled him back closer and started to move, listening to their bed move, and feeling like he wasn't dying from breathing too little oxygen. Like his five years in the fire breathing black smoke. He pressed his face against the back of Cas's neck and only breathed the warm air closest to his skin.


End file.
